Tuesday, October 13, 2009

30 Weeks With My Griffin - Highs & Lows

Only 10 more weeks to go!  People are starting to tell me that I "look like i'm going to have this baby any day now."  Not sure what to do with that.

New developments:  

Griffin is over 3 lbs, and his main jobs these days are 
1. getting fat,
2. developing his brain,
3. hanging out under my right ribs (ouch!), and
4. making a scene practicing all his "tricks":  stretching, hiccuping, and kicking (all of which can now be seen by anyone near me).

As I type this, he is hiccuping away.  I just love my little man.  This pregnancy has truly been one of the greatest times in my life.  What a great blessing I've been given...  I'm so thankful.

That being said, even a relatively "easy" pregnancy like mine has not been all highs; there have certainly been some lows...Some pretty low lows.  Insomnia plagues me.  Last week, I went for 3 consecutive nights without any sleep...any.  On the 3rd day, I just sat on the couch and wept, wondering when I was ever going to sleep again.  When you go without sleep for that long, you start to feel like you're going to lose your mind.  That feeling caused me to have an anxiety attack.  Then, due to lack of sleep, I caught a flu bug.  My back and hips hurt pretty much 100% of the time now, and heartburn continues to rear its ugly little head.  None of these things show any signs of getting better before I get through the next 10 weeks.  

At the end of this next 10 weeks lies my greatest source of anxiety and fear:  the labor/delivery.  I would rather hide this fear and look brave to the outside world...but I really feel like "getting it out there" once and for all will help me to process things better than stewing internally.  I do not know what to expect out of labor.  I cannot imagine how it will feel, how I will respond, what could go wrong, etc. etc.  There are so many unknowns.  Usually, I don't get all worked up over the unknowns in life.  I am typically laid back in that respect, but this is a different ball game.  We have chosen to give birth at Covenant Birth Center with a midwife and no pain medication.  As much as I know and have peace that this is the right decision for Oliver, the baby, and I, I still cannot stop fearing the experience of labor/delivery.  I know many, many, many women have had unmedicated, natural births for thousands of years.  I know they were able to do it and, for many, multiple times in their lives.  As much as that intellectually satisfies me, it does not emotionally satisfy me whatsoever.  I've watched plenty of natural birthing videos lately.  There is no denying that the bringing of a baby into the world is a beautiful thing, but it is also just plain horrifying!  Many of the women in these videos have given birth multiple times before, and they still seemingly enter the realm of "losing it" during labor...How on earth can I, a first time mom of a potentially pretty big baby, handle it?  I'm not just worried about the level of pain I must endure; I'm also worried about the length of time I'll have to endure the different levels of pain and if I'll have the gumption to push through the pain at the very end of it all.  I'm not an expert on endurance or pain tolerance.  I know this baby has got to come out no matter what, and I am determined to bring him into the world with as little intervention as possible for his safety.  But I am scared.  Period.

All that being said...WHEW!  I realize that I need to depend on the Lord for strength, wisdom, endurance, etc.  I know that I cannot do this on my own, as is the case with everything in this life.  That does not mean, however, that it'll be easy, not painful, not terrifying.  Hopefully, the more I talk about my fears and concerns, the quicker I can get past this rut and move into excitement and anticipation of the big day.  I am hoping and praying that I can process through the muck and come to a place where I feel empowered as a woman and as God's daughter to finish what has been started in this pregnancy.  I want to look forward to labor and delivery as part of the journey into motherhood, as a physical and emotional gift.  I am blessed with being able to be pregnant.  I am blessed with a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby boy.  I am blessed with being created in such a way to be able to give birth to a child.  Instead of cowering behind negative emotions and feelings of foreboding, I want to embrace the birthing experience with open arms, knowing I am bringing my son into this world in the best possible way I know how.  May God give me the strength and wisdom to walk toward December 21st with my head held high and with my fears behind me.

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